Ian McEwan, Thanks for the Peanut Butter

On Chesil Beach

I’ve been doing really well with my personal commitment to read like a madwoman this year. So far, I’ve consumed 23 books, and I hope to end 2015 with a total of 30.

When I finish a book, I generally savor the last line and the feeling of accomplishment for a few minutes, and then I wander over to my bookshelf to pick out my next adventure.

I finished book #23 on Monday night, and I did not immediately go to my bookshelf. In fact, I couldn’t bring myself to pick up a new book until this morning. And even that action is largely due to the fact that I have to read King Lear by next Wednesday’s Juvenile Court Book Club meeting—not because I’m hankering for a new story.

I feel this way, because Ian McEwan’s On Chesil Beach has stuck with me the way peanut butter sticks to the roof of your mouth. I’ve had a hard time deciding how I feel about this book. I’ve had a hard time navigating my feels after finishing it.

On Chesil Beach begins with a telling first line, which sets the stage for the whole work: “They were young, educated, and both virgins on this, their wedding night, and they lived in a time when a conversation about sexual difficulties was plainly impossible.” Instant tension, instant conflict, and oh my God, how intimate that we are about to join this couple on their wedding night!

I’ve admired Ian McEwan’s work for quite some time now. Atonement is a triumph—heartbreaking and beautiful. Amsterdam, which I read a couple months ago, is a darkly comic romp through ghosts and betrayal. McEwan has this uncanny ability to find the moments and experiences where vastly different personalities intersect in very interesting ways. He’s a master of those surreal emotions that can drive us to do the strangest things.

On Chesil Beach showcases McEwan’s abilities on a whole other level. You know from the very beginning, from that first line, that this couple’s first sexual experience is not going to be blissful—it’s going to be a disaster.

And it is painfully uncomfortable wading into the storm. Unlike the experience of reading some of McEwan’s other works, I felt like a true voyeur while reading On Chesil Beach. I felt like I was right next to Edward and Florence from the moment they met to the moment they wed. McEwan takes us uncompromisingly close to the young lovers—into their heads, under a skirt, within a touch or a gaze. And “being there,” unable to do anything about it—ugh, my heart!

Through McEwan’s descriptions, I re-experienced all the awkward, terrible encounters I’ve had with lovers over the years. I felt like I was watching a horror film. I wanted to call out to the young couple and warn them of what was ahead, what I could see coming but they certainly couldn’t. It was like watching an impending train crash—one that takes 130 pages to happen.

There were passages that were incredibly hard to read—a few that were uncomfortably anatomical and many that were emotionally exhausting. There was so much pressure to live up to a single moment and so many things at stake.

I wanted these two to beat the odds, to have an awesome first experience, for love (because they are most definitely in love!) to soften all the edges of the awkwardness that is first-time lovemaking.

But again, that first line.

Undoubtedly, those first 130 pages or so unnerved me. A lot. I considered putting the book down a few times.

But I’m glad I didn’t. I’m glad I pushed through, because the brilliance of this book occurs in the aftermath of this one pivotal moment in time. McEwan handles the emotional upheaval of young Edward and Florence with such grace and honesty. As a reader, I understood both sides of this difficult life episode to such a great degree that I didn’t find myself siding with either one of them. I simply felt everything and wilted and wanted to scream for them both.

And the final line of the book—the final page, really—left an imprint on my brain and my heart, something muddy and imperfect. When I closed the book, I couldn’t really move for a few minutes. I let the waves of Chesil Beach wash over me, and I knew I wouldn’t pick up a new book for a couple days.

For that, I say thank you, Ian McEwan. For putting me in the hotel room with Edward and Florence on that life-changing night. For weaving me into their love story as an observer. For making me deeply, deeply uncomfortable as a reader—a veritable skill. For that sticky feeling of peanut butter in my mouth, something that made me pause and absorb what I’d just experienced before scurrying to find another story to devour. And for true dedication to your characters and their complex emotions, something I will always admire in your work.


Tonight, there will be champagne and some funky music on my turntable, because as of today, I am a published author! This has been a goal of mine since I was in, oh, the fourth grade. It feels surreal. And damn good.

A few months ago, Penduline Press announced they were accepting submissions for their 10th issue, which would be Seven Deadly Sins-themed. My interest was immediately piqued. I revisited Dante’s Inferno, allowed my imagination to stretch, and typed up a rough draft in a matter of hours. I’m really proud of this work.

Here’s a little sample of “Invidia.” Click the link at the bottom of the page to read the full story through Penduline Press. And while you’re there, check out the other brilliant work that was accepted for this edition!

“As Pauline fed the rusty wire through her needle, she examined her patient, a man wearing black loafers and a navy blue suit, and sighed. She’d only be able to fix one of his trespasses during her procedure, though she supposed it was the more important of the two. She’d leave someone “up there” to deal with this man’s inability to match the right shoe with the right suit. Pauline smiled dryly at her joke and gave the wire a quick tug to make sure it was attached securely to the needle before placing it in the oversized pocket of her yellow apron.
        Pauline cocked her head to the side, narrowed her eyes, and took a step closer to her patient. Her footstep echoed heavily through the space and Pauline rolled her eyes. The echo wasn’t scientifically possible. She knew this because she knew that literally nothing existed beyond the eight-foot circumference of the harsh medical lighting.
        Once, between procedures, Pauline had stepped outside of the circle of light and simply dissolved. She’d felt it, felt her molecules begin to dissipate until she imagined herself the foam on top of a freshly-poured glass of root beer. When she floated back into the light, she reassembled and vowed never to leave it again. There was no point. There was nothing beyond the ring of light but the promise of an unsettling shift in being. Besides, she was dead, she had a debt to pay, and if she ever wanted to ascend, she needed to concentrate on her work.
        Pauline took two small steps toward the man on the table, which were accompanied by booming echoes.
        “Honestly,” she said, her voice also reverberating off of nothing, “I don’t need the ambience. It doesn’t make me comfortable; it makes me twitchy. And when I’m working on eyelids, I’m pretty sure you want my hands to be steady.”
        Pauline waited a moment, staring out into the darkness about her, and then took another step. Silence greeted her like an old friend. She smiled and gave a single nod out to the darkness, a thank you.
        Pauline approached the man on her table and licked her cracked lips.
        “Let’s see what we’ve got today,” she said, placing a hand over the man’s beating heart and closing her eyes…”

To read “Invidia” in its entirety, click HERE!